What Should Dads Do With a Newborn?

Most new dads feel unprepared because no one ever really explains what they're supposed to do.

Of course, that's not true for everyone. Some people grow up in large families, help care for younger siblings, or have parents and other family members who show them what life with a newborn looks like.

My wife and I didn't have much of that experience. When we had our first child, we were pretty much starting from scratch.

Thankfully, we had some good friends who were our age but already had three kids. They had been through it all before, and we leaned on them quite a bit for advice during those early years. As our family grew, we also came to rely on our extended church family. Having other parents around who had already been through the stages we were entering made a big difference.

But even with good people to ask, there's still a lot you have to figure out for yourself.

Before our first child was born, I read books, listened to advice, and tried to prepare for everything I thought fatherhood would require. But once we brought him home, I remember standing in the kitchen wondering what exactly I was supposed to be doing.

The baby needed mom. Mom was recovering. Family members were checking in. And I wasn't entirely sure where I fit into all of it.

I remember pacing our living room at two in the morning with a baby who wouldn't sleep, convinced I must be doing something wrong.

Looking back, I barely remember why he was crying. I do remember how tired we were and how much I was learning about being a dad.

By the time our second and third children came along, I had a much better idea of what to do. Not because I'd mastered fatherhood, but because I'd learned a few things along the way.

You'll hear plenty about bonding, diapers, sleep schedules, and developmental milestones. All of that matters. But there's something else I wish someone had explained to me before we brought our first baby home.

One of the most important things you can do as a new dad is take care of your wife.

She's recovering from childbirth, adjusting to life with a newborn, and probably running on very little sleep. You have an important role to play in making those first few weeks easier for her and your baby.

Here's what I've learned after going through the newborn stage a few times.

Support the Mother First (This Is the Job)

The birth is over, but your wife still has a lot ahead of her.

She's recovering physically while learning how to care for a newborn. If she's breastfeeding, she's also responsible for something you simply can't do for her.

That doesn't mean you don't have a job. It means you need to find other ways to help.

Make meals. Keep her water bottle filled. Handle visitors. Run errands. Change diapers. Take the baby so she can get some rest.

And don't wait for her to ask you to do everything. If the laundry needs to be done, do it. If the kitchen is a mess, clean it up.

One thing I learned pretty quickly is that asking my wife what she needs isn't always as helpful as simply paying attention and taking care of things.

Scripture calls husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). During the newborn stage, that often looks like doing the ordinary things that make her day a little easier.

It's one of the earliest ways you learn that being a good husband and a good dad are closely connected.

Supporting the mother isn't a side quest. It's the job.

Learn the Basics

You don't need to know everything about newborns before bringing one home. You'll figure out a lot of it as you go.

Learn how to change diapers, hold your baby safely, give them a bath, and swaddle them. Figure out how to soothe them when they're upset.

You'll probably feel awkward at first. That's fine.

I remember how careful I was holding our first baby. By the time our third came along, I was a lot more comfortable with the whole thing.

Most of that confidence came from experience.

Don't leave all the baby care to your wife simply because she seems to know what she's doing. She's learning too, and the more you participate, the more comfortable you'll become.

Jesus told His disciples, "Whoever would be great among you must be your servant" (Mark 10:43).

There's plenty of opportunity to practice that kind of service when you have a newborn.

Let Fatherhood Change You

One thing I wasn't prepared for was how much becoming a dad would change me.

Before having kids, I had a lot more control over my time. If I wanted to sleep in, I could. If I wanted to go somewhere or spend an afternoon doing something I enjoyed, I usually could.

Then we had a baby.

Suddenly, someone else's needs came before mine, whether I felt like it or not.

Fatherhood has a way of showing you how selfish and impatient you can be. It's easy to think you're a patient person when you're well-rested and everything is going your way. It's a little different when you've been awake half the night and the baby starts crying again.

As I've written before, responsibility often arrives before we feel ready for it. Fatherhood is a good example of that.

You don't have to have everything figured out before becoming a dad. A lot of the growing up happens after the baby arrives.

Be a Calm Presence in Your Home

Newborns are wonderful, but those first few weeks can be exhausting.

There will be nights when the baby won't sleep, days when nothing goes according to plan, and moments when both you and your wife are frustrated.

One of the best things you can do is try to stay calm.

That doesn't mean you won't get stressed or frustrated. You will. But you don't have to make a difficult situation worse by losing your patience.

When the baby won't stop crying, take a turn holding them. When your wife is overwhelmed, ask what you can do to help. When plans fall apart, be willing to adjust.

And when you're the one who's overwhelmed, it's okay to say so and ask for help.

Proverbs 14:29 says, "Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding."

That's worth remembering when you're running on three hours of sleep.

Your family doesn't need you to have everything under control all the time. But they do need to know they can count on you.

Your Marriage Still Matters

When you bring a newborn home, just about everything revolves around the baby.

You'll spend a surprising amount of time talking about feeding schedules, diapers, and whether anyone got any sleep the night before.

That's just part of having a newborn.

But don't forget about your marriage in the process.

You probably won't be going on many date nights for a while, and finding time for a long conversation might be difficult. Still, make an effort to spend time together.

Sit on the couch for a few minutes after the baby falls asleep. Ask your wife how she's doing. Tell her you appreciate everything she's doing for your family.

And don't assume that because you're both busy taking care of the baby, you're automatically taking care of each other.

Genesis 2:24 describes a husband and wife becoming one flesh. Having children adds a new dimension to your family, but your marriage is still important.

As I wrote in Good Dad, Good Husband, one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is loving their mother well.

That starts long before your kids are old enough to understand what you're doing.

Get Comfortable Doing the Unnoticed Work

A lot of newborn care is pretty repetitive.

You'll wash bottles that need to be washed again a few hours later. You'll change diapers, do laundry, take out the trash, and clean up messes you just finished cleaning.

And then you'll do it all again tomorrow.

It's not particularly exciting, and most of it will go unnoticed.

But that's okay.

One of the things I've learned about being a husband and father is that a lot of the work that matters most isn't especially impressive.

Sometimes it's getting up with the baby so your wife can sleep. Sometimes it's making dinner when you'd rather sit on the couch. Sometimes it's taking care of something around the house without expecting anyone to thank you for it.

Jesus taught about being faithful in small things (Luke 16:10). Having a newborn gives you plenty of opportunities to practice that.

You don't have to do anything extraordinary to be a good dad during those first few weeks.

Just be someone your family can depend on.

So, What Should Dads Do With a Newborn?

Looking back, I think I spent too much time wondering whether I was doing enough and not enough time simply doing the work in front of me.

I wanted to be a good dad. I just didn't fully understand what that looked like yet.

Now, having gone through the newborn stage a few times, I would tell a new dad to keep it simple.

Take care of your wife. Learn how to care for your baby. Help around the house. Be patient when you're tired. And don't forget to enjoy having a newborn.

Those first few weeks can be difficult, but they're also pretty special. Hold your baby. Spend time with your wife. Take pictures. Enjoy the little moments when everyone is home together and there's nowhere else you need to be.

You don't need to have fatherhood figured out on day one. You're going to make mistakes, and you'll learn a lot along the way.

Years from now, you probably won't remember most of the diapers, bottles, or sleepless nights. I certainly don't.

But I do remember bringing our first baby home, holding him in our living room, and slowly figuring out what it meant to be his dad.

And if I could go back and give myself one piece of advice, it would be this:

Stop worrying so much about whether you're doing everything right. Take care of your wife, love your baby, and do the work that's in front of you.

You'll figure out the rest as you go.